Beautiful boy a fathers journey phần 61
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Itisstrikingtomehowourdualrealitiesonceagainblur.It's
probablyavestigialsurvivalmechanism.Now,insteadofrecalling
theoverwhelmingcalamityandevil,Iamsweptupintheloveliness
ofthechildrenheretogetherandthenaturalbeauty.Ifeelasifweare
allbeingwashedcleanbytheoceanandwarmtropicalbreeze.
FeelinghopefulaboutNic'sfuture,Icantuckthedarknessofhis
addictionaway—nottoforgetit,butIsetitaside—andmeanwhile
appreciatethesublimity.Asunset,thecleargreenwater,poetryinthe
musicthatplaysonCDsinthecar—Lennonsinging"Julia,"Van
Morrison's"AstralWeeks."Forthemoment,evilisatbay.
Thenightisfilledwiththesoundsofcricketsandmiceskittering
acrossthewoodfloor.Fromtheirtentwiththreesinglebeds,wealso
canhearNicreadingtoJasperandDaisy.HehaspickedupThe
Witcheswhereheleftoffmorethantwoyearsago.
Aftergoodbyesattheairport,weboardseparatejets,NicforLA,us
forSanFrancisco.
Aweeklater,IamwithJasperinPointReyesStation,wherewe
pickupthemail.There'sastackofbills,lettersfromtheirschool
withascheduleforthenewyear,andaletterforJasper—fromNic.
Jasperopenstheenvelopecarefully.Heunfoldstheletterandholdsit
inhishands,readingaloud.Inhisneatscriptonpapertornoutofa
notebook,Nicwrites,"I'mlookingforawaytosayI'msorrymore
thanwithjustthemeaninglessnessofthosetwowords.Ialsoknow
thatthismoneycanneverreplaceallthatIstolefromyouintermsof
thefearandworryandcrazinessthatIbroughttoyouryounglife.The
truthis,Idon'tknowhowtosayI'msorry.Iloveyou,butthathas
neverchanged.Icareaboutyou,butIalwayshave.I'mproudofyou,
butnoneofthatmakesitanybetter.IguesswhatIcanofferyouis
this:Asyou'regrowingup,wheneveryouneedme—totalkorjust
whatever—I'llbeabletobethereforyounow.Thatissomethingthat
Icouldneverpromiseyoubefore.Iwillbehereforyou.Iwilllive,
andbuildalife,andbesomeonethatyoucandependon.Ihopethat
meansmorethanthisstupidnoteandtheseeightdollarbills."
PARTV
Neveranyknowing
JOEL
Howexactlyisthisgoingtoworktonight?
(AsMierzwiaktalks,theroomcolorsstarttofade.Mierzwiak'stone
ofvoiceisalsoaffected;itbecomesdryandmonotonous.)
MIERZWIAK
We'llstartwithyourmostrecentmemoriesandgobackwards—There
isanemotionalcoretoeachofourmemories—Asweeradicatethis
core,itstartsitsdegradationprocess—Bythetimeyouwakeupinthe
morning,allmemorieswehavetargetedwillhavewitheredand
disappeared.Likeadreamuponwaking.
JOEL
Isthereanysortofriskofbraindamage?
mierzwiak
Well,technically,theprocedureitselfisbraindamage,butonpar
withaheavynightofdrinking.Nothingyou'llevermiss.
—CHARLIEKAUFMAN,
EternalSunshineoftheSpotlessMind
20
Myarticle"MyAddictedSon"appearsintheNewYorkTimes
MagazineinFebruary.NicandIbothhearfromfriendsandstrangers,
sharingthefeedback.Bothofusareencouraged,becauseitseemsas
ifourfamily'sstoryhastouchedmanypeople—and,accordingto
some,helpedthem,especiallythosewhohavebeenthroughsome
versionofthis,orwhoaregoingthroughitnow.
WhenNicisaskedtowritehismemoir,heenthusiasticallygoes
forward.Andthereactioninspiresmetowanttowritemoreaboutit
—togodeeper.SoonIhaveabookdeadline,thoughIwouldcontinue
writingwithoutone.Writingisenormouslypainful,andwritingthis
storyissometimesexcruciating.Writingeveryday,Igothroughthe
emotionsIfeltatthetimeofthestoryI'mremembering.Irelivethe
hell.ButIalsorelivethemomentsofhopeandmiracleandlove.
LaterinFebruary,weplantospendtheweekendskiingatLake
Tahoe.Nicgetsafewdaysoffworksohecanjoinus.Thekidsski
together.Intheevening,NictellsthemPJstoriesbythefire.
Whenwetalkaboutit,Nicseemsemphaticallycommittedtohis
sobriety.Ihavelearnedtocheckmyoptimism,butstill,it'sgoodto
hearNicdiscussthelifeheisrebuildingandbuildinganewinLA.In
additiontohisbook,heiswritingshortstoriesandmoviereviewsfor
anonlinemagazine.Itseemssofittingthathe'sreviewingmovies,
sincetheyaresuchabigpartofhislife.EverydayinLA,Nicbikes,
swims,orruns.Sometimeshedoesallthree.NicandRandyrideup
anddownthecoastfromSantaMonica.Theyridethroughthe
canyons,uphillsides,throughthecity,andalongbeaches.
WhenIdrivehimtotheairportafterhisvisitinthemountains,he
tellsmethatheloveshislife.Heusesthosewords."Ilovemylife."
HesaysthathisrideswithRandyenlivenandsustainhim."The
highissosososomuchbetterthandrugseverwere,"hesays."Itis
thehighofafulllife.Riding,Ifeelitall."
Yes,Iamoptimistic.DoIstopworrying?No.
ItisJune2.Afewdaysbeforethisyear'sstep-upceremonyatDaisy
andJasper'sschool—sheissteppinguptofourthgrade,Jasperto
sixth.KarenandIarehomeinInverness.SuddenlyIfeelasifmy
headisexploding.
Peopleusethisasanexpression.Notthistime.Ireallyfeelasif
myheadisexploding.
"Karen,call911."
Shestaresatmeaminute,doesn'tcomprehendwhatI'msaying.
"Areyou..."
Sheplacesthecall.
Ittakestenorfifteenminutesforthreemen,carryingboxesand
machinesandastretcher,toarrive.Theysetupnearmeintheliving
room.Theyaskquestionsandperformapreliminaryexamination
whilestrappingonablood-pressureandheartmonitor.Theyask
whichhospitalIprefer.
