Beautiful boy a fathers journey phần 31
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byoursharedworryaboutNic.ItiswithreliefthatIcometoseeher
notforwhatseparatedusbutforwhatunitesus.WebothloveNicin
awaythatonlyparentslovetheirchildren.It'snotthatKarenand
Nic'sstepfatheraren'tworriedaboutNic,butinlongtelephone
conversationsthatnooneelsecanbepartof,hismotherandIsharea
particularqualityofworry—acuteandvisceral.
Meanwhile,KarenandIgobackandforthswitchingroles.WhenI
collapse,shereassuresme.
"Nicwillbeallright."
"Howdoyouknow?"
"Ijustknow.He'sasmartboy.Hehasagoodheart."
ThenKarenwillloseit,andIconsoleher.
"It'sallright,"Isay."He'sjustmixedup.We'llfigurethisout.
He'llcomeback."
Andhedoes.
Onastill,cold,andgrayafternoon,aweeklater,heshowsupatthe
house.LikethetimeIwenttofindhiminthealleywayinSanRafael,
heisfrail,ill,andrambling—abarelyrecognizablephantom.
Ijuststareathimstandingthereinthedoorway.
"Oh,Nic,"Isay.Igazeathimandthenleadhimbythearmtohis
room,where,stilldressed,heliesonhisbed,wrappinghimselfupin
acomforter.Iamgladthatnooneelseishomesothat,forthe
moment,Idon'thavetoexplain.
Istareathim.
Ifallthattherapydidn'thelp,thenwhat?Rehab.Thereisnothing
else."Nic,youhavetogointorehab.Youhaveto."Hemumblesand
fallsasleep.
IknowthatImustdoeverythingpossibletogethimintoadrugrehab
program.Icallcounselorsandotherspecialistsforrecommendations.
Nic'stherapistnowagreesthatrehabisessential,andcontactssome
ofhiscolleagueswhospecializeindrugandalcoholaddiction.My
friendscalltheirfriendswhohavebeenthroughthis.
Nicsleeps.
Icalltherecommendedfacilitiesinourarea,inquiringabouttheir
successratesfortreatingmethusers.Theseconversationsprovidemy
initialglimpseofwhatmustbethemostchaotic,flailingfieldof
healthcareinAmerica.Iamquotedarangefrom25to85percent,
butadrugandalcoholcounselorfamiliarwithmanyprogramssays
thatthefiguresareunreliable."Eventheconservativenumberssound
overlyoptimistic,"hesays."Aboutseventeenpercentofpeoplewho
gothroughtheseprogramsaresoberafterayear."Anadmittingnurse
atanorthernCaliforniahospitalmaybethemostaccuratewhenshe
tellsmethenumberformethaddicts."Thetruenumberisinthe
singledigits,"shesays."Anyonewhopromisesmoreislying."
ThemoreIlearnabouttherehabindustry,themoreitseemsin
disarray.Somehighlytouted,andexpensive,rehabprogramsare
ineffective.Manyrehabsemployone-size-fits-all-addictsprograms.
Whetherprivateorpublic,someareonlyslightlybetterthanuseless
whenitcomestothetreatmentofmethaddicts,accordingtoRichard
Rawson,theassociatedirectoroftheIntegratedSubstanceAbuse
ProgramsatUCLA,whocallsthem"theEarlScheibsofrehab.The
paintjobdoesn'tlast."
Dr.Rawsondoesn'tsuggestthatmanyprogramsdon'thaveuseful
components.TheytendtoberootedintheprinciplesofAlcoholics
Anonymous,whichseemtobeessentialtostayingsoberformost,if
notall,alcoholicsandaddicts,nomatterthedrug.Butotherthanthat,
theyofferaslipshodpatchworkofbehavioral,psychological,and
cognitivetherapies.Manyprogramsincludelectures,individual
counselingsessions,choreswithharshconsequencesforshirking,and
confessionalandconfrontationalgrouptherapy,includingbadgering
patientswhoresistthegospeloftreatment.(Accordingtothedrug
andalcoholcounselorsintheseprograms,resistancemeansdenial,
anddenialleadstorelapse.)Someprogramsofferlife-skillstraining,
suchasrésuméwriting,exercise,groupandindividualsessionswith
family,andconsultationswithaphysicianandpsychiatrists,whomay
prescribemedication.Somefacilitiesoffermassageandnutrition
consultations.Someoutpatientprogramsaddarelativelynew
techniquecalledcontingencymanagement,asystemofrewardsfor
abstinence.However,withoutstandardsbasedonprovenprotocols,
patientsareoftensubjectedtothephilosophiesofaprogram's
director,someofwhomhavenoqualificationsotherthantheirformer
addiction."Havingsixchildrendoesn'tmakeyouagoodob-gyn,"
saysWalterLing,aneurologistandthedirectoroftheUCLA
program.Evenrehabsrunbytraineddoctorsandcliniciansemploya
widerangeoftreatments,manyunproven.Mostimportant:many
programsfailtotakeintoaccountthespecificconditionsof
methamphetamine,whichis,accordingtosomeexperts,thetoughest
addictiontotreat.ButwhatelsecanItry?
IchooseahighlyrecommendedplaceinOaklandcalledThunder
Roadandmakeanappointment.Isteelmyselftodothehardestthing
Icanimaginedoing,usingwhatisleftofmywaninginfluence—the
threatthatIwillkickhimoutandwithdrawallofmysupport—toget
himtocomewithme.ThatImeanit—becauseIamconvincedthat
thisisouronlyhope—doesnotmakeiteasier.
Thenextmorning,whenDaisyandJasperareatschool,Igointo
Nic'sroom,wherehestillsleepssoundly,hisfacerelaxedand
peaceful.Asleepingchild.Then,asIwatch,hetwitchesandgrimaces
andgrindshisteeth.Irousehimandtellhimwhereweareheaded.
Herages."Nofuckingway!"
"Let'sgo,Nic,let'sgetitoverwith,"Iplead.
Hegetsup,pusheshishairbackwithatremblinghand.Heholds
ontoadoorjambforsupport.
"Isaidnofuckingway."Heslurs,staggers.
"Thisisit,Nic,"Isayfirmly.Myvoicetrembles."We'regoing.
It'snotachoice."
"Youcan'tmakeme.Whatthefuck?"
"Ifyouwanttolivehere,ifyouwantmetohelpyou,ifyouwant
metopayforyourcollege,ifyouwanttoseeus..."Ilookathimand
say,"Nic—doyouwanttodie?Isthatwhatthisisallabout?"
Hekicksthewall,smasheshisfistsonthetable,andweeps.
Isadlysay,"Let'sgo."
Heragessomemore,butfollowsmetothecar.
