25/06/2016: Task 2: Some people think it is more important for government to
spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than
to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you
agree or disagree?

Many people believe that the expenditure on enhancing healthy lifestyle to avoid from

diseases rather than spending money on medical conditions to cure people of their

available health issues. While I agree that impulsing healthy lifestyle should be invested,

Commented [A1]: This is too long for a topic sentence and
should be reduced in length.
‘Many people believe that the expenditure on enhancing healthy
lifestyle to avoid from diseases rather than it is better to spend money
on medical conditions to preventing rather than curing people of their
available health issues’
Commented [A2]: Not sure what you mean here ‘imposing a
healthy lifestyle on people’; or ‘investing in promoting a healthy
lifestyle ‘

I also think that the support of government for treating many patients is likely to be more

vital.

Commented [A3]: ‘is important’ – re: AB2
Commented [A4]: Also too long ‘I also think that the support of
government support for treating many patients is likely to be more
vital.
Commented [A5]: ‘several’
Commented [A6]: ‘a healthy lifestyle’

On the one hand, there are serveral reasons why I believe that authority should spend

Commented [A7]: You could reduce this to ‘the first reason why
healthy lifestyles should be promotes is ….’
Commented [A8]: This is unnecessary – no extra meaning.
Commented [A9]: ‘works’ – this noun is uncountable.

their money on encouraging healthy lifestyle. Firstly, it is true that some diseases might

Commented [A10]: No need for this if you use ‘so +
adjective……, they…..’ structure.
Commented [A11]: ‘not accustomed to doing……’ –

result from sedentary life on a daily basis. People seem to be so caught up in their works

"Used" and "accustomed" are past participles followed by a
preposition, in this case "to." Prepositions are followed by a noun, a
noun phrase, a pronoun, a noun clause, or a noun form of the verb –
that is, the "ing" form.

and studies, hence, they are not accustomed to do exercises regularly to maintain their

Here are some examples from the Collins COBUILD* online:

health. Secondly, more people tend to prefer travelling by cars to walking or to cycling,

..... so that your child can get used to them in familiar surroundings
.....I thought I'd never get used to being in an office all day.
... After a while, you'll get used to the separation and accept it.


which leads to a significant increase in the number of people being more prone to obesity

...men and women around the world get accustomed to being
overweight as...
... and I need time to get accustomed to the routine again...
...get to know each other and to get accustomed to talking to each
other. And ...

in many countries around the world. Therefore, it is necessary for government to spend

Commented [A12]: ‘exercises’ – no +s – ‘it is an uncountable
noun’.
Commented [A13]: This could be reduced to ‘travelling by car is
prevalent and a major cause of obesity’


money on not only constructing more new sport centres but also on improving the quality

of public transport to advocate people to live healthier lifestyle.

Commented [A14]: This paragraph is too long – the content
needs to be reduced – you can do this by making the topic sentences
and examples shorter.
Commented [A15]: The use of passive will help you reduce the
number of words:

On the other hand, I also think that the expenditure on the treatment of people who are

suffering illness is more important. The first reason is that beside unhealthy lifestyle,


‘Therefore, it is necessary for government to spend money on not
only more new sport centres should be constructed in addition to
the improved quality of public transport. to advocate people to live
healthier lifestyle
Commented [A16]: Reduce to ‘spending on treatment is more
important’
Commented [A17]: ‘besides’

there are some other reasons which may cause serious health issues. In Vietnam, for

example, the hazardous problem of dirty food, water and air pollution all have becomed

Commented [A18]: ‘have all become’

burning topics that everyone concerns because they have been detrimental directly to

their lives. Another reason is that many patients, especially who have chronic and acute

Commented [A19]: Unnecessary

diseases, needs medicines and effectively medical techniques to be cured. As a result, the

Commented [A20]: Adjective is needed here – ‘effective’

most essential thing for people who are ill already is the support from government in the

way of spending public money on enhancing the quality of services in many hospitals and

researching on medical conditions.


In conclusion, spending public money on the treatment of people who are having illness

is less important than the expenditure on encouraging healthy lifestyle to prevent

Commented [A21]: Again you could use the passive here to
summarize – ‘As a result, the most essential thing for people who are
ill already is the support from government in the way of spending
public money on enhancing the quality of services in many hospitals
and researching on medical conditions is paramount’.


diseases. Although it is necessary to invest in improving people’s lifestyle, I think that

spending on curing patients is more important.

Comments:

This is a 6.5. A good answer. You are need to simplify your answers – try to use a little passive; more
than anything keep to the word limit. The only reason this didn’t get a higher score is it is too long – this
affects everything.

Commented [A22]: This is unnecessary as you repeat this in the
final sentence – your final sentence is a better summary.


Ngoc Bach’s amended essay:

Essay Plan:
Introduction: sentence 1: some people think that more government money should be spent

on preventing illness; sentence 2: disagree - more important to treat people who are ill.
Paragraph 2: it is important to spend money on prevention because [1] more and more
people lead sedentary lifestyles, which can result in serious illnesses – it is necessary to
promote sport and exercise [2] encourage people to use their cars less and walk or cycle
more to get regular exercise.
Paragraph 3: however, it is more important to focus on treatment because [1] not all
illnesses are the result of lifestyle choices, they may be the result of pollution or unhealthy
living conditions, e.g no clean water [2] funding for hospitals is essential in order to treat
patients who are seriously ill and also to conduct vital research into new treatments.
Conclusion: disagree – resources should be mostly allocated to treating people who are
already ill.

It is true that some people argue for more public expenditure on measures to prevent illness by
promoting a healthy lifestyle. While this would certainly result in benefits to public health, I
disagree with the idea that this should be a higher priority than the treatment of people who are
already suffering from illness.
The promotion of a healthy lifestyle to prevent illness is undoubtedly a worthy aim of any
government. The sedentary routines of many people make them more prone to the risk of
diabetes or heart disease as a result of their inactivity. In modern life, people are so caught up
in the pressures of work or study that they neglect the importance of keeping fit. Dependence
on the car exacerbates the problem of lack of exercise. Thus, government provision of
affordable leisure and sports facilities, coupled with promotion campaigns to keep fit and
healthy would certainly be a worthwhile initiative to raise the general level of public health.
However, in the process of decision-making on health matters, I would argue that expenditure
should be allocated first to the treatment of people who are ill. Firstly, not all illnesses are the


result of unhealthy lifestyle choices by individuals. For example, respiratory disorders are
affected by air pollution in cities, while poor sanitation and contaminated drinking water
contribute to outbreaks of dysentery and cholera. Secondly, failure to subsidise medicines or to

invest in hospitals would certainly lead to many deaths which could have been avoided by
timely treatment. Hospitals, for instance, have many roles in providing treatment, not only
surgery but also in conducting vital research into the treatment of many life-threatening
conditions, such as cancer or asthma.
In conclusion, while promoting healthy living is important, treatment must have priority in
health service spending.
298 words
Band~9.0

Vocabulary:
sedentary: [adjective] in which you spend a lot of time sitting down
Example: She has a sedentary job, working as a secretary in an office.
prone: [adjective] likely to suffer from something
Example: Professionals sportspeople are more prone to injury than most people.
be caught up in: [phrasal verb] become involved in something, even when you do not want to
be
Example: I was so caught up in my work that I forgot to prepare my lunch.
exacerbate: [verb] to make something worse, such as a problem or a disease
Example: His aggressive reaction exacerbated the situation, and soon a fight started.
affordable: [adjective] cheap enough so that people can buy it/pay for it
Example: Membership of the new gym is not expensive – it is affordable even for people who
don’t have much money.
respiratory disorders: [noun] problems related to breathing
Example: Smoking is particularly dangerous for people who have respiratory disorders.
sanitation: [noun] the systems and equipment that keep places clean, especially by removing
human waste


Example: By improving sanitation in the city, the authorities were able to reduce the impact of
some serious diseases.

contaminated: [adjective] made dirty by adding something that is dangerous or carries a
disease
Example: The drinking water has become contaminated as a result of dangerous chemicals in
the water supply.
subsidise: [verb] give money to an organisation to help to pay for something
Example: The new housing project is subsidised by the government.
timely: [adjective] happening at the right time
Example: The timely arrival of the police prevented the crime.
life-threatening: [adjective] likely to kill someone
Example: The virus is known to be life-threatening, and many people have already died.
condition: [noun] the state of someone’s health or how fit they are
Example: He suffers from a serious heart condition and he is now in hospital for treatment.