Chapter
21:
Stylish
Sentences
283
Use
Vivid Verbs
Use verbs rather than nouns to communicate your
ideas.
This makes your writing
more forceful and
less
wordy. For example, replace forms of
to be
with
action verbs, as
the following example shows:
Weak:
In 1850,
21-year-old
Levi Strauss
went
from New York to San Francisco.
Vivid:
In 1850,
21-year-old
Levi Strauss
traveled
from New York to San Fran-
cisco.
Weak:

The shrieking Arctic
gales
sent
needles of ice into their
faces.
Vivid:
The shrieking Arctic
gales
shot
needles of
ice
into their
faces.
Danger,
Will
Robinson
Place
the adjectives,
adverbs,
phrases,
and
clauses
according to the emphasis you
want
to achieve in each
sen-
tence.
Remember
that
misplaced

modifiers
spell
trouble,
so be sure
to place
them
as
close
as
possi-
ble to the words
they
describe.
Invert Word Order
Most
English
sentences follow the subject-verb-direct object
pattern,
so varying this
pattern
automatically creates emphasis and interest. To create stylistic variety, occa-
sionally
place the verb before the subject, as these examples show:
Subject-verb
order:
The CEO walked in. The manager walked out.
Inverted
order:
In walked the CEO. Out walked the manager.
Play

with
Pronouns
Use the pronoun
you
to
engage
your readers. The second-person pronoun
you
(rather
than the third-person
he, she, one)
gives
your writing more impact because it directly
addresses
the reader, as this example shows:
Weak:
Contributions to the employee's account will automatically be reinvested unless
the employee has completed form
21
-A.
Better:
Contributions to your account will automatically be reinvested unless you have
completed form
21
-A.
284
Part
3:
Style:
All

the
Write
Stuff
Take
My
Word
for
It
Due
to state laws, some companies require
that
documents
such
as consumer
con-
tracts and warranties meet a specific
readability
score
that
determines how
easy
or
difficult
they are to read.
Such
readability
scores
on the
Frye,
Gunning Fog Index,

and
Flesch
Reading
Ease
Scale
are calculated on the
basis
of
word
and sentence
length. But using shorter words and sentences
will
not necessarily make a document
easier
to understand, especially if the words are technical in nature.
Quoth
the Maven
_
As
you
draft
your
message,
use
special care to avoid phrases
that
could
seem
hostile, rude, un-
caring,

or
arrogant.
Strike
them
from
your style.
Between
a
Rock
and a Hard
Place
What
happens if your supervisor likes an ornate, flowery style
with
big words and
windy sentences? Or take a
less
extreme
case:
What
if your company prefers writing
in
the passive voice to the active voice? If this is the
case,
you have several choices:
1.
Write
clearly and
logically,
based on what you learned in this chapter. Seeing

effective writing may change your supervisor's mind.
2.
Confer
with
your supervisor about changing
writing
styles.
People might be using weaker
writing models because they don't have anything
better
to use.
3.
Recognize
that
writing style serves to unify a
company as well as communicate ideas. Even if
the style isn't as strong and effective as clear
writing, it may bring people together in a cor-
porate culture.
Punctuation and Style:
Little
Things
Matter
a
Lot
Your choice of punctuation
also
has a critical influence on your writing style because
it determines the degree of
linkage

between sentences. Further, it
suggests
whether
sentence elements are coordinating or subordinating. Here are some guidelines:
•
Remember
that
a period shows a full separation between ideas.
•
A comma and a coordinating conjunction show the following relationships:
addition, choice, consequence, contrast, or cause.
•
A semicolon shows
that
the second sentence completes the content of the first
sentence. The semicolon suggests a link but leaves it to the reader to make the
connection.
Chapter
Zl:
Stylish
Sentences
285
•
A semicolon and a conjunctive adverb (a word such as
nevertheless,
however,
etc.)
shows
the relationship between
ideas:

addition, consequence, contrast, cause and
effect, time, emphasis, or addition.
•
Using a period between sentences forces a pause and
then
stresses the conjunc-
tive adverb.
Take
My
Word
for
It
So
far, I've concentrated on the
content
of your
writing,
but the
form
also matters. To
make your
writing
easier
to read, break it
into
chunks of manageable length. That's
the principle behind
dividing
telephone numbers
into

groups
(21
2-555-21
38
versus
21
255521
38). When you have a lot of facts, consider arranging
them
in a list,
table, or chart. Use color to set off charts, graphs, or
other
visuals.
Try it yourself. Add punctuation to the following
passage.
First, make sure it's correct;
then,
make sure it's
interesting—given
your audience and purpose!
It stretches snaps and shatters when hit
with
a heavy object If you press a blob
of
it against a comic book or newspaper it picks up the image even the colors It
can
be used to build strength in a person's hands and remove lint from clothing
It's out of this world literally because astronauts use it to hold tools to space cap-
sule
surfaces during the

weightlessness
of
space
travel
What
is it
That's the question
James
Wright asked himself in the early
1940s
when he cre-
ated the odd stuff
As
an engineer for General Electric Wright had been trying
to develop a rubber substitute to do his
part
to help the Allies during World
War I However instead of rubber he created a blob of sticky stuff
that
bounced
when he dropped it It had no use but everyone liked to play
with
it
In
1949
Peter Hodgson named it
"Silly
Putty" and featured it in a toy store cat-
alog
Silly

Putty was an instant hit
Possible
response:
It stretches, snaps, and shatters when hit
with
a heavy object. If you press a blob
of
it against a comic book or newspaper, it picks up the
image—even
the colors.
It can be used to build strength in a person's hands and remove lint from cloth-
ing.
It's out of this
world—literally—because
astronauts use it to hold tools to
space
capsule surfaces during the
weightlessness
of
space
travel.
What
is it?
286
Part
S:
Style:
All
the
Write

Stuff
That's the question
James
Wright asked himself in the early
1940s
when he cre-
ated the odd stuff. As an engineer for General Electric, Wright had been trying
to develop a rubber substitute to do his
part
to help the Allies during World
War I. However, instead of rubber, he created a blob of
sticky
stuff
that
bounced
when he dropped it. It had no use, but everyone liked to play
with
it.
In 1949,
Peter Hodgson named it
"Silly
Putty" and featured it in a toy store cat-
alog.
Silly
Putty was an instant hit.
The
Least
You Need to
Know
•

Mix simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences for a more
effective
style.
Also vary sentence lengths, add questions and commands, focus
on the subject, use vivid verbs, and invert word order.
•
In informal writing, use the pronoun
you
to
engage
readers.
•
Your choice of punctuation
also
has a critical influence on your writing
style.
•
Always write clearly and
logically.
Chapter
Conciseness:
The
Department
of
Redundancy
Department
In This Chapter
•
Understand redundancy
•

Simplify
sentences
•
Improve your writing style
In
language,
as in plane geometry, the shortest distance between two points
is
a straight line. As Thomas Jefferson once remarked, "The most valuable
of all
talents is
that
of never using two words when one will do." That's
what
this chapter is all about.
All
good writing demands a polished style.
Especially
in business, writers
impress
their readers not
with
big words and convoluted prose, but rather
with
a straightforward, easy-to-read style. Learn how to accomplish this
right
now.
Slash
and Burn
Redundant writing is cluttered

with
unnecessary words
that
fog your
meaning.
Wordy writing forces your readers to clear away unnecessary
288
Part
5:
Style:
All
the
Write
Stuff
words and phrases before they can understand your
message.
Redundancies
are the
junk food of our
language,
filling us up on empty words.
Prove
it to yourself. The following table is a series of
redundant phrases I've culled from newspapers, mag-
azines,
friends, and foes. Rewrite each of the follow-
ing
phrases to eliminate the redundancy. Then
give
a

reason
for your revision. The first one is done for
you.
You
Could
Look
It Up
Redundancy
is the
unnecessary
repetition
of words
and
ideas.
Redundancy
Repair
Reason
1.
honest
truth
2.
past experience
3.
past history
4.
fatally killed
5.
revert back
6. foreign imports
7.

partial stop
8.
true
facts
9. free
gift
10.
live and breathe
11.
null and void
12.
most unique
13.
cease and desist
14.
soup du jour of the day
15.
at 8 A.M. in the morning
16.
sum total and end results
17.
living survivors
18.
proceed ahead
19.
successfully escaped
truth truth
is honest by
definition
Chapter

ZZ:
Conciseness:
The
Department
of
Redundancy
Department
Z89
Redundancy
Repair
Reason
20.
minus eight degrees
below zero
21.
forward progress
22.
set a new record
23.
kills bugs dead
24.
at this
point
in
time
Answers
Redundancy
Repair
Reason
1.

2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
honest
truth
past experience
past history
fatally
killed
revert back
foreign
imports
partial stop
true
facts
free

gift
live
and breathe
null and void
most unique
cease
and desist
soup du jour of the
day
at 8 A.M. in the morning
sum
total
and end results
leaving
no living survivors
proceed ahead
truth
experience
history
killed
revert
imports
stop
facts
gift
live
null (or void)
unique
cease
(or desist)

soup du jour
at 8 A.M.
total
(or results)
leaving
no survivors
proceed
truth
is honest
all experience is past
all
history is past
fatal
= dead
revert = go back
we have
domestic
imports?
stop =
stop
facts
are
true
gifts
are free
if
you
live,
you breathe
null = void

unique can't be modified;
it is the most
cease
= desist
du jour = of the day
A.M. = morning
sum
total
= end results
survivors
are alive
you
can't proceed
back
continues
290
Part
5:
Style:
All
the
Write
Stuff
continued
Redundancy
19.
successfully
escaped
20.
minus eight degrees

below zero
21.
forward progress
22.
set a new record
2
3.
kills bugs dead
24.
at this point in
time
Repair
escaped
minus 8 degrees
progress
set a record
kills
bugs
now
Reason
you can't escape
unsuccessfully
minus = below zero
all
progress is forward
all
records are new when they
are set
kills
= dead

wordy phrase
Thrift, Thrift, Thrift
When
you sit down to write, you might get carried away by the sound of your own
words. Even though you know you've packed in some unnecessary
verbiage,
each
word is near and dear to your heart, like your cracked Little League catcher's
mitt
from '67 or the designer shoes you got on
sale
that
never fit and never will.
Take
My
Word
for
It
Redundancy
comes
from
the
Latin
word
undore ("to over-
flow")
and re
("back").
Because
redundancy

literally
means
"to
overflow
again and again,"
the
word
itself is redundant!
You want to save every one of your words; after all,
they are your words. "Cut
that
phrase?" you howl.
"I
can't bear to
part
with
such a beautiful (graceful,
important, dazzling) phrase."
Yes,
you can;
trust
me.
And your writing will be the
better
for it. An effec-
tive writing style shows an economy of
language.
From now on, here's your mantra:
•
Write

simply and directly.
•
Omit
unnecessary details or ideas
that
you have already stated.
•
Use a lot of important detail, but no unnecessary words. You want your writing
to be concise.
Conciseness
describes writing
that
is direct and to the
point.
This is not to say
that
you
have to pare away all description, figures of speech, and images. No. Rather, it is to
say
that
wordy writing annoys your readers because it forces
them
to
slash
their way
through your sentences before they can understand
what
you're
saying.
Hard and lean

Chapter
ïl\
Conciseness: The
Department
of
Redundancy
Department
Z91
sentences,
like hard and lean bodies, require far more effort than flabby ones. And
they are so much nicer.
Follow
these five
easy
rules to create
taut,
effective sentences.
•
Eliminate unneeded words and phrases.
•
Revise sentences
that
begin
with
expletives.
•
Combine sentences
that
repeat information.
•

Don't
say the same thing twice.
•
Make passive sentences active.
Look
at each of these rules in greater detail.
Eliminate Unneeded Words and
Phrases
Unneeded words are like annoying little
gnats
that
nip at your ankles during summer
picnics.
As a
matter
of fact, because these
words and phrases are like so much empty
noise,
they are often called
buzzwords.
Buzzwords come in different parts of speech,
as
the following table shows.
Buzzwords
Part
of Speech
Adjectives
Adverbs
Nouns
Sample

Buzzwords
nice,
central, major, good, excellent
quite, very,
basically,
really, central, major
field,
case,
situation, character, kind, scope, sort, type, thing,
element, area, aspect, factor, nature, quality
Here's how they look in
context:
Wordy:
These types of administrative problems are really quite difficult to solve.
Better:
Administrative problems are difficult to solve.
Redundant phrases are kissing cousins to buzzwords because they
also
repeat infor-
mation
that
has already been stated. The following table lists 10 especially annoying
examples. Add
them
to the ones you revised at the beginning of this chapter.
You
Could
Look
It Up
_^

Buzzwords
are
com-
monly
used,
extraneous
phrases
that
aren't
necessary
to the mean-
ing of the
sentence
and so should
be
cut.
29Z
Part
J:
Style:
All
the
Write
Stuff
Ten
Redundant
Phrases
Revised
Redundant
Better

repeat
again
red in color
extra gratuity
continue to remain
small
in
size
few in number
new innovation
complete stop
combine together
final end
repeat
red
gratuity
remain
small
few
innovation
stop
combine
end
Then we have the big daddy of
them
all,
really
long-winded phrases. These are pre-
fab
phrases

that
seem to add instant sophistication to your sentences. They
don't.
Instead, they make your writing sound pretentious and
gassy.
The following table
lists
some of these annoying redundancies and ways to revise
them.
Twenty
Redundant
Phrases
Revised
Wordy
Better
at this
point
in
time
at the present
time
for
the purpose of
in the event
that
until such
time
as
in view of the fact
that

because of the fact
that
due to the fact
that
in order to utilize
is
an example of
free up some space
my personal physician
thunderstorm activity
now
now
for
if
until
because
because
because
to use
is
make room
my doctor
thunderstorm