TOONAMINT
of Champions
How LaJuanita Mumps Got to Join
Augusta National Golf Club Real Easy
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“If it’s wacky you want, it’s wacky you’ll
get with Toonamint.”
ForeWord Reviews
I
f it’s wacky you want, it’s wacky you’ll get with Toonamint of Champions, Georgia humorist
Todd Sentell’s spoof about a golf nut’s lifelong dream to putt around the Augusta National
Golf Course, and, as a bonus, have his non-golfing hairdresser girlfriend, LaJuanita Mumps,
pinned as “the first ever” female member of the Club.
Where else but in Sentell’s bubbly imagination could a kooky hero like Waymon Poodle
from Mullet Luv, Georgia rise to the top? A constant daydreamer with one blue eye and
one green, his office is located “right by the condom and genital lubricant counter” of a
busy supermarket. He’s so addicted to golf he rents only apartments numbered 1931 to
commemorate the year Bobby Jones debuted at the Augusta Masters. His bedroom replicates
the course, and, believe it or not, he prefers golfing to giving up his virginity to LaJuanita
despite her come-ons. To complicate the comedy, Waymon’s duffer of a supervisor is also
named Waymon, which leads to several convoluted conversations reminiscent of Abbott
and Costello routines. Toss in Poodle’s paranoia about Giant Cicada Killer Wasps and their
impending take over of Augusta’s famous twelfth hole—despite the attempts of entomology
professor, Jeevpil Biswapati, and his flamethrower—and you end up with a “toonamint” even
the Marx brothers would roll their eyes at.
Sentell’s nine years as “the director of sales and marketing for an ootsie-tootsie private
golf club” gives him the background material for carving up golf’s sacred rituals and icons of
the greens. His expertise as an established humorist has him operating with wit and polish.

e problem with humour, though, is that what tickles one man’s funny bone may aggravate
another’s. Some readers may find the raunchy fondling between Augusta’s 79-year-old
receptionist, Betty Simpson, and 42-year-old head accountant, Frank Johnson (aka Emiglio
Rafsooliwicki) not as hilarious as the author had hoped. Others may shy away from our hero’s
abortive attempts to cover up Betty’s Bermuda Grass when she hikes her skirt to give Chi
Chi Rodriguez a peek at her private turf. On the other hand, Waymon’s volunteer position—
position number 1931, by the way—as “Manager of the Rope at the Practice Facility Invitee
Entrance and Exit,” and his round of golf with e Golden Bear lead to moments of universal
fun. His initial telephone conversation with Rafsooliwicki is true classic comedy, while the
episode of his orange jacket among all the green jackets in the Augusta Club’s dining room is
Mastersful satire.
Regardless of which way your funny bone swings, Sentell’s Toonamint of Champions will
give a brand new meaning to “par for the course.” M. Wayne Cunningham/ForeWord
★★★★
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TOONAMINT
of Champions
How LaJuanita Mumps Got to Join
Augusta National Golf Club Real Easy
A Particularly Allegorical Comedy of Real Bad Manners
T O D D S E N T E L L
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T O O N A M I N T O F C H A M P I O N S
Copyright © 2007 by Todd Sentell.
All Rights Reserved. Published and printed in the United States of America by Kunati Inc.
(USA) and simultaneously printed and published in Canada by Kunati Inc. (Canada)
No part of this book may be reproduced, copied or used in any form
or manner whatsoever without written permission,
except in the case of brief quotations in reviews and critical articles.
For information, contact Kunati Inc., Book Publishers in both USA and Canada.

In USA: 6901 Bryan Dairy Road, Suite 150, Largo, FL 33777 USA
In Canada: 2600 Skymark Avenue, Building 12, Suite 103, Mississauga, Canada L4W 5B2,
or email to
F
I R S
T E D I T I O N
Designed by Kam Wai Yu
Persona Corp. | www.personaprinciple.com
ISBN 978-1-60164-005-5 LCCN 2006930186
EAN 9781601640055 FIC016000 FICTION/Humorous
Published by Kunati Inc. (USA) and Kunati Inc. (Canada). Provocative. Bold. Controversial.™
h t t p : / / w w w . k u n a t i . c o m
T
M—Kuna
ti and Kunati Trailer are trademarks
owned by Kunati Inc. Persona is a trademark owned by Persona Corp.
All other tradmarks are the property of their respective owners.
Disclaimer:
is is a work of fiction. All events described herein are imaginary, including settings
and characters. Any similarity to real persons, entities, or companies is purely coincidental and not
intended to represent real places or living persons. Real brand names, company names, names of public
personalities or real people may be employed for credibility because they are part of our culture and
everyday lives. Regardless of context, their use is meant neither as endorsement nor criticism: such
names are used fictitiously without intent to describe their actual conduct or value. All other names,
products or brands are inventions of the author’s imagination. Kunati Inc. and its directors, employees,
distributors, retailers, wholesalers and assigns disclaims any liability or responsibility for the author’s
statements, words, ideas, criticisms or observations. Kunati assumes no responsibility for errors,
inaccuracies, or omissions.
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for

Who got all this started. In 12th grade.
Acknowledgements
e author thanks the following people for their friendship and support during the
writing of this book: Jeff and Feryal Hendricks, Susan Sanders, Jack and Joan Sentell, Stuart
and Margaret Conrad, Bradley Dunckel, Denise Gibby, Stephanie Lipnick, Sally and Danny
Hood, Don and Grace Sentell, Ed and Gloria Rego, John Companiotte, Bruce Fraser, Warren
Grant, Randy Waldron, Jeff Paton, Shannon Bower, Ronnie Musselwhite, Doug Hollandsworth,
Dondra Hedden, Mary Grace Stubbs, Cheri Riley, Victoria Sanders, Sara Daniels, Robert
Youdelman, Frank Curtis, Ed ompson, Charlotte Raines, Glenn Sheeley, Vern Johnson, Ellie
White, Pat Sykes (a dang good bank teller, too), and the man who organized the toonamint, my
publisher, Derek Armstrong, Kam Wai Yu for his amazing designs, and my brilliant editor, James
McKinnon.
I also want to thank two little rascals named Landers and Jackson, who forever wondered
what daddy was typing, and why he was always laughing so wildly, sitting there all by himself.
ey wanted me to read a bunch of the book to them. Ain’t no way.
And to their beautiful mother, Susan. ank you.
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6 ■ T O D D S E N T E L L
“is would be a great club if it weren’t for the goddamn
members.”
A post-consulting pronouncement by Zoran Geckstein,
a distinguished private club management consultant, on
a number of notable American golf clubs
ere are psychologists who believe that in playing
golf man is in a way reverting to the primitive, that
striding over the course, occasionally searching for the
ball and then hitting it, reproduces, in mild form, the
hunting life and activities of the savage man. How they
square this with the hundreds of thousands of women
who play golf, I do not understand!

from1954
“
I woul
dn’t go near a golf course.”
A women’s rights agitator
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T O O N A M I N T O F C H A M P I O N S ■ 7
P A R T I
Relentless Obsessions
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8 ■ T O D D S E N T E L L
From the March, 2007 issue of Go Figure,
the monthly report of the
American Psychological Association
In conclusion, we weren’t real surprised to find that
every teenage male human on earth concocts frantic sex
fantasies for fifty-six seconds out of every waking, sleeping,
and comatose minute. eir thoughts during the other four
seconds range from the outcome of professional and collegiate
sporting events to the condition of their zits to how to get their
parents to buy them a BMW.
However, we also found that middle-aged male humans
concoct frantic sex fantasies, but for only one second of
each minute. eir thoughts during the other fifty-nine
seconds of each waking, sleeping, and comatose minute,
relentlessly obsess about how they might get a tee time
at Augusta National Golf Club.
And then there’s the women.
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T O O N A M I N T O F C H A M P I O N S ■ 9

Old Mrs. Willard
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         



      
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toonamint_inside_output.indd 10 1/29/07 3:21:13 PM
T O O N A M I N T O F C H A M P I O N S ■ 11
Worshipping Satan
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T O O N A M I N T O F C H A M P I O N S ■ 13
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16 ■ T O D D S E N T E L L
The Particulars
The Intimate Psychological Particulars




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





The Fashion Particulars

        














  
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Way

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


The Sportsmanship Particulars
           








The Automotive Particulars

          

           
 


The Coital Particulars
           
      









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T O O N A M I N T O F C H A M P I O N S ■ 19
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want
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



          

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20 ■ T O D D S E N T E L L
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T O O N A M I N T O F C H A M P I O N S ■ 21

The Mantra of Portent


    
        





         
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toonamint_inside_output.indd 21 1/29/07 3:21:15 PM
22 ■ T O D D S E N T E L L
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toonamint_inside_output.indd 22 1/29/07 3:21:15 PM